I've had a hard time coming up with something to write about in this, our very first blog post here at TheDarkPlace. Perhaps it's been the pressure of coming up with an interesting topic on which I can be witty and sarcastic that's crippled me, perhaps I've let myself become distracted by my day-to-day nonsensical activities, or perhaps it's because I've been in a particularly dark place myself recently... So rather than coming up with a broad people-pleasing topic I'd like to take a few more minutes to be utterly self-indulgent and write about an issue that has been ubiquitous in my life recently: I'm speaking, oh dear readers, on the topic of advice.
I know that I often live in my own little weird world, so let me explain why I hate getting advice even more than I hate people who seek it out. I'll risk being trite for a second and give us all a quick refresher: advice, by definition, is "an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc." I love opinions- I'm constantly harboring one of my own- and I feel like recommendations can be valuable when it comes to movies or restaurants or trivial things, but it seems to me that advice is generally tied to more weighty topics.
When it comes to the things that really matter in life- relationships, career choices, family matters, the "what should I do with my life/ what does it all mean?" type quandaries- it's my belief that people who ask for advice on these topics are just fucking around. I know that sounds a little harsh- maybe "stalling" is a better way to describe it. What I mean is that deep down, underneath all the bullshit and pretense, I think that people generally know what they're going to do before they ask for your input. By seeking advice, they're pretty much looking for you to approve of and support their decision. If your advice is in line with the conclusion that they've already secretly come to, you can make them feel like they're making the right choice and also help them rationalize away any negative side effects or consequences of said decision. (Here comes a couple of exceptions to this rule: there certainly may be a time and a place for this type of scenario, and I suppose that sometimes in life the ends justify the means. If you've got a friend in a tight spot who's finally come to a sensible conclusion, and they need your support to make a positive life change, it's probably ok to go ahead and voice your acquiescence. No harm, no foul, everyone's happy, it all comes clean in the wash and so on and so forth. Also in very specific technical situations: medical, legal, dental, tax-related, etc. I encourage you to outsource these decisions- but you still don't have to agree with them all of the time.)
But what if your advice is not in line with theirs? This, dear readers, is when we enter dangerous waters. If you're not in agreement with their already secretly developed conclusion, and you let them know that, now they're not only dealing with their original problem, but they know that someone they trust and respect is not on board with their potential trajectory. Now you have to explain why you think they're making the wrong decision, undoubtedly an exchange will ensue, and now we have prime conditions for an argument- and depending on how heavy the topic is, possibly even the beginnings of a perfect storm-type raging shitshow. In this scenario, nothing's been solved, everyone's angry; basically- as I often say- the wheels have come off.
This is why I like to avoid the topic of advice altogether. Why risk scenario #2? I realize that this might only be my neurotic and cynical way of viewing things, but this is how I operate- I've come to terms with it, and I hope you will too. This is some insight into how I see the world. For those who know me, this will explain why I am either insanely desperate or really drunk by the time I approach you for advice. This is also why I like to preface most of my responses to advice-seekers with "Are you sure? Are you really sure you want to hear this?" I'm not a good liar, nor am I a fan of the whole concept, so I try to provide a protective buffer between the likely vulnerable advice-seeker and what will potentially be my damaging I-don't-agree-with-you-or-this-choice response. I know that people generally have good intentions when they offer up their advice, but I'm also not a fan of forcefully imposing one's beliefs upon another individual under any circumstances. I guess I'll conclude with this: if you're approached for advice, and you feel that it may somehow make a positive change in the universe, go ahead and dispense.
When it comes to me, however- and isn't that what this whole thing is really about?- hold the advice. I don't need it, I don't want it, and there's a good chance I'll become hostile if it's inflicted upon me. I'm going to do whatever it is I was going to do anyway. Even if I'm making the wrong decision at the time, eventually I'll come around and sort the whole mess out for myself. When it comes to the big issues going on in my life, I encourage you to dialog, sympathize, commiserate, kvetch, or most importantly just listen. But hold the advice. That's my advice.
In this case I suggest that you...
Dear Abby,
My friend Liz really hates getting advice.
But doesn't everyone need advice sometimes?
What should I do?
The Pred
I think the real reason why Liz really hates advice is because she believes that when people give you advice, they are really just implying that they think you don't know what you're doing. So they tell you what they think you should do because you're too stupid and you couldn't have figured it out on your own. And that instead of being helpful, the givers of advice are actually condescending...which is totally evident when you don't follow their advice, what they said would happen happens, and then they say those four little words that NOBODY likes to hear, "I TOLD YOU SO."
But advice doesn't have to be so sinister and the people giving it so pompous. I think advice is generally quite helpful and encouraging--people wouldn't give you advice and try to help you afterall if they didn't care for you?! So why reject perfectly good advice, just for the sake of figuring it out on your own. Just because you took someone's advice doesn't make you less independent, or less able to think through your own problems, or less anything.
Like Liz, I can tell you that there are somethings about giving advice that do irk me from time to time: 1) having to give the same advice over and over or 2)when people ask, but do not follow your advice that they were so desperately seeking. 1) I really do not enjoy sounding like a broken record, but sometimes I do because friends come to me with the same problems time and time again. I gave you good advice the first time-so what I advised-that's not going to change, but maybe I should offer some additional advice: Get a new problem. Harsh? Possibly. But I get bored easily and even though I care about you and want you to resolve whatever issue you are having, I can't sit through this re-run again. 2) This is where I might tend to agree with Liz as she made that point that people seek your advice to see if you agree with what they have already decided. She does make a good point, because why else would someone seek your advice and then not follow it? I have been dealing with the second problem for about the last year as one of my good friends has been in a life crisis. For months, she would call me multiple times daily to ask what she should do? what should she say? how does she take care of that? What if it doesn't work out? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
After these phone calls, I needed advice on how to a) not commit suicide and b) not commit murder. I always told her what I thought she should do, what she should say (which was normally "what you think" or "what you feel") while being truthful. I didn't sugarcoat my advice, but I did try to be encouraging at the same time. I wanted to help her through her situation and give her my advice when she asked for it, but she never followed it. Ever. It was so annoying. But even though I knew that she wasn't following my advice that she was so desperately seeking, I still gave it to her when asked. Why? Because friends don't turn away a friend in need. And I'm not her mother and I can't make her decisions for her, but as her friend, I DO have to accept her for what she is--an annoying advice non-taker. The point of advice is to help people and it can help them even if they don't take it because it means that someone cared enough about them to give it.
I suppose I fall on the opposite side of the spectrum of Liz when it comes to receiving and dolling out advice. I, personally, see nothing wrong with seeking or giving advice and I do it on a regular basis, but for different reasons than what Liz has explained above. I really like to get other peoples' point of view or see what they would do in the same situation. I look at gathering advice like doing research for a project : I gather as much data (advice) as I can, then I review everything and make an educated decision. I frequently take polls of my friends, co-workers, and sometimes, well, random strangers on a multitude of topics because I want to know what people (who are different than me) are thinking. In fact, I took a poll of my co-workers just the other day, asking them what they thought would be a good gift for my boyfriend for valentine's day. I certainly couldn't think of anything that I thought would be totally awesome and not just another loser-ish piece of clothing. They came up with some great ideas and a couple of bad ideas, but they were all ideas that I had not had, and they all helped me to make my final decision. I do understand that this advice is not on a really important issue and easier to take because of its loftiness, but it is advice nonetheless.
On important issues, I do not take polls of random strangers, but look to my closest friends or to people who are authorities on the topic, to help me think through my situation or problem. I don't ask for help on everything, but occassionally from time to time, I will be stumped and I need a fresh pair of eyes to look at whats happening. Advice from my close friends helps to bring me back down to earth when my ego is a big as a hot air balloon. Sometimes I let my anger and frustration run wild and I truly cannot tell if I am being unreasonable, and even if I don't agree with my friends, their advice helps me to stay more grounded. I become more self-aware when I have the chance to see myself through others' eyes.
I don't build my life based on other peoples' advice, but they contribute here and there when I need it most. In the end, I think it's important to reject the bad advice (and possibly the people that it came from), take the good advice, and when you don't know the difference between the two--to follow your heart's advice...
The Pred
